Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
