my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
