You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
