I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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