i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
