I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
