I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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