Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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