Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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