Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
