Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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