I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
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this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.