i'm home, then i'll come over
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
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i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.