Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
