I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN