i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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