i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
