It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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