My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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