So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have already put on my inside pants.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
