remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
