Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
