I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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