I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
