Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
