I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
