what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
