If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
