I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
