This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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