he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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