i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
