youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
