dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I cockslap morals
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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