I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
