she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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