I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
