LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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