I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
