i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
