I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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