this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
