my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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