I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
