When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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