apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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