Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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