Yo dont text me then not text me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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