If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
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you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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