So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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