how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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