I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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