I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
