The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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