hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
