The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
