puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
