What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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